Conspiracies. They are everywhere, you know. Equally ubiquitous it would seem are books exposing their dastardly existence. How any self-respecting conspirator expects to get away with it, when there are so many keen observers of their activities, it is hard to explain. Unless of course it is all a conspiracy to distract us from the real truth...
Most of these books are not very interesting. They all copy from one another with minor variations and harp on about the same things: JFK's assassination, the Illuminati, UFOs, blah blah, yeah yeah. What the jaded reader yearns for are conspiracy books with a difference, ones that start at a point just beyond eccentric and keep going. Ones like The Leftist ESP Conspiracy for example, or The Great Exposé #1. Or this one: the World's Greatest Conspiracy, Volume 1.
Strictly speaking, this is not really a conspiracy book as such. It belongs to a sub-genre of which it may well be the sole example: the combined conspiracy and self-help book. The world “is inundated by conspiracies... you just cannot see them!” as the cover tells us, but by following Doctor Foster's remedy against them you can “cure any addictions”, “cure any illness”, “truly be successful” and “always be happy”.
The conspiracies ranged against us include governments, banks, the legal system, education, medicine, AIDS, the stock market, medias [sic], religion, the entertainment industry, gun controls and drugs - the “WGC's”. In fact, everything that Foster does not like about the world - from a paranoid right-wing perspective - is evidence of conspiracy, although he fails to specify exactly who is behind it. A vast shadowy, liberal-thinking mass with many tentacles is somehow to blame for evils such as the loss of the gold standard, the transmission of AIDS through blood transfusions, and public nudity.
As a result of the conspiracy, Foster believes that the mass of humanity is in a state of brainwashing crossed with demonic possession which he calls AI, for Alien Identity. In some way words are to blame, too:
Every conspiracy (WGC) needs a way of communicating its evil. Just the nature of the conspiracy (WGC) requires some corrupt vehicle to transfer its power into action. “Words” are the communicating factors, which have developed (devil-oped) over generations and thousands of years as languages. The “words” that we use every day in our thinking process are the most powerful medium, which decide the human mind's attitude, and perception of ideas. This is what makes us act in such a manner, unnatural for 99% of us. The rational mind can use the “word” either the lie or see the truth as it really is... hopefully the absolute truth (APT). Recognizing the corrupting “words” that have caused ego growth and that have given power to the AI (alien identity), will change your life and the world around you.
(Note how every conspiracy is somehow a World's Greatest Conspiracy, rather like those compilation record albums each of which claims to be the “Greatest ... Ever”. Foster is evidently suffering from inflation of superlatives.)
The pernicious effects of words (or should I say “words”?) can be overcome by adopting Foster's habit of using initials instead. So rather than saying: “I dislike doing my homework.” you must say: “I DS doing my homework.” thus removing the harmful “feelings” which cause all the problems, while at the same time “having FUN”.
Love must be expressed carefully, too:
If you find yourself saying: “I love you.”
Stop and say: “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say I love you. What I really want to do is show you that I want to be a loving person.”
Since he also states that “true love cannot play any part of the sex act”, I doubt the Dr Roy Foster Guide to Marital Bliss would be a bestseller.
To assist the reader in following his course he includes a series of flash cards, each with a slogan printed on it. Below are a few of them. You might pin these up around your office or turn them into bumper stickers, if you wanted to advertise the fact that you are a looney.
I WATCH MY ALIEN IDENTITY I DO NOT NEED TO CONTROL PEOPLE HOLLYWOOD IS SHAPING AMERICAN VALUES ALL FEELINGS LEAD TO ADDICTIONS I WILL NO LONGER BE PSYCHOTIC (HYPNOTIZED) YOU SEE, WE ALL HAVE IT BACKWARDS I DO NOT NEED TO ACT OUT MY FANTASIES GUNS ARE FOR FREEDOM CASUAL CONTACT IS DANGEROUS STAY OUT OF RESTAURANTS I WAS BORN WITH COMMON SENSE HAVE FUN DESTROYING EVIL
This is supposed to be the first of a series of five volumes. I haven't seen the others but if they exist I am sure they are all equally deranged. Dr Foster has a delightful web site which is also worthy of your attention.
Scribbled by Alfred Armstrong 14 years 11 months ago